Ok, now it's Julia. She's a bit rubbish and singing with Yael. I used yo work with someone called Yael who looked almost exactly like that. But my Yael was more exciting. This one is like someone has sucked the vestiges of life out of Nora Jones (yes, imagine that) and plonked the remains in front of a piano. Julia, in contrast, is just a bit dull. She doesn't look like she should be married to Ned Flanders from the Simpsons.
Julia - ooh! no! Yael has FALLEN OVER. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to her EVER. Eeeh! Wound watch! Nikos is devastated.
Ok, Julia gets 13,3, worst mark so far. Anne Ducros is cross. Anne Ducros is quite formidable. Hell yes!
Onoes Alice has to "sing" parle à ma main this is going to be ugly.
I couldn't type during that because my jaw was on the floor with kitsch overload. Raphael's dancing was nice though. He's taken his jacket off. Alice is totally outkitsched by bloke whose name I've forgotten. Edouard. He's quite good (yes I iz technical)
Alice 13, 7
Raphael says: elle estyl lolita egrana claro grimpo nivel. Guapa!
Ark. I am taking a short alcohol break for Roch Voisine; actually there is not enough alcohol in our house to get through this, despite tonight being 1970s cocktail nite. Oh I can't because Edouard is getting scored on it. Um, a bit rubbish. There is an outbreak of line dancing. If I had worse chair de poule you could sell me in Carrefour. I feel a bit sorry for Edouard. There must be something in the Geneva Convention about this? No?
Edouard - 15. Anne is STILL CROSS. Everyone else thinks he's ok. He's moderately cute no? Or is that the gin flip talking? I've lost all sensation in my cheeks; rarely a good sign.
Oh wow, Raphael has taken his vest off and put his shades back on. And he's run away into the audience.
Yvane time! OMG Yvane's Patrick Bruel (15,3) was quite cute. He may be a self-important tosser, but at least you never quite know what he's going to do next, which is mildly refreshing. Yvane and Raphael ought to do have their own series I think. Maybe one where they take their clothes off. No! Stop! That was supposed to stay in my head.
Thankfully we can gloss over that wish some horrific leaf based choreography with the academicien with the most ridiculous name, Mickels. He's trying to ignore the crimes against dance going on behind him, which is a valiant, but presumably doomed, effort.
This kind of dance plus dirge number is why I have to watch Star Ac in two parts - my whole body gets so consumed by the horror I need a lie down.
Mickels - 15,2. Bof. Even Raphael can't get excited about this.
Apparently the injured Yael will be ok. I am shouting at the tv though in a lawyerly fashion as Nikos apologises to her - no! Don't admit liability! Say that SHE dug that hole and then fell in it. And you warned her many times and offered her protective shin pads. Tsk. New job opportunity for me here?
Here comes the huissier. I fancy him too. He wasn't allowed to talk today which is saddening me.
The public saves .... Yvane! Yay! The public demand MORE CRAZY. Go public! Ah. That makes me happy.
Ooh. The CFO and I are sure Ana is going. OMG! Egalité! Yvane chooses. This is turning into the Yvane show. Yvane saves Harold. Only fair.
Hoorah! Another exciting evening draws to a close! Off I go to clean the oven.
Bonne fin de soirée messieur dames and foxy Spanish dancers.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
Live blogging star ac - unfortunately not drunk enough
21:00 Oh god, it's starting badly. Not only is Armande wearing terrifying Batman glasses, but all my least favourite Star Ac things are assembled in one gruesome tableau: Roch Voisine, dismal Quebecois twat Garou and hideous themed Special K choreography. It's painful. Truly painful. The gagged female dancers are frankly disturbing. I need more alcohol. Rubbing alcohol if necessary. Tonight's line up is frightening to say the least - heavy on the old chanson française. It would only take Michel Sardou and I'd have a Star Ac bingo full house.
Quentin, ratlike dullard, gets 15. The profs are insane. Dismal. Armande Altai attempts to rhyme. Rap? Ouch. My brain is crying.
21:12 Nikos is still droning on, Fame-like, about hard, hard work. Work harder! L'effort, le travail, le desir. Blah blah blah.
Anissa next. I quite like Anissa. She's better than Jennyfer, super guru diva. Am I spelling that right? Jennyfer I mean. Fairly confident with diva. Anissa looks waaay foxier in her skinnies and platforms than Jennyfer in her acres of faux-Oscar dress tulle. Damn, I wish I looked like Anissa.
Oooh! First proper look at Raphael! Cool. Loving his Sgt Pepper jacket.
Anissa 15.3 Cruella Altai marked her down. Boo!
Oh, the ghastliness. Am I just to old for this (watching Quentin and Gautier feeling up the girls)? Yes. I am. Dried up hag. Fark. Oh no, and now they're singing. I feel like a disgusting old voyeur. Or am I just too English?
Hmm. Gautier; I am developing a serious Gautier hatred. That fringe is SO hiding the world's lowest hairline.
Raphael headbanging is sweet though.
I feel a bit sick. I shouldn't have eaten so much pizza.
Ok, now Garou - who, remember, brings me out in hives - is bluesing. Nikos too. It's like watching your dad dirty dance.
Gautier - 15.5 - Waaaaay too generous.
Ooh. Now this could be good - Leona Lewis and Joanna (who is really quite awesome). Oh. Leona isn't actually letting her sing her much. Her heart doesn't seem to be in it. I think Leona has outdiva-ed her. Which is sad. She's tiny next to Leona! Who is totally belting it out. Yay! Respite from the droning. Joanna's dress is way nicer than Leona's which seems to be from C&A. Leona is saying nice things about her though.
Joanna - 15.5 Same as Gautier? Boo.
Maryline up next - singing assis par terre fairly flat, with a person who appears to be Lisa Bonet. The CFO is wincing. Raphael is waving his hands flamenco styley. Kamel dancing. Oh sweet jesus. Ok, it's about a minute thirty in and I'm bored. Meh. Have I turned the oven off?
Maryline - 14.2 Raphael says something incomprehensible - 'rat box pyeramid phrmf gnn ark'. It's probably the most interesting thing tonight.
Ana - she's the Belgian candidate and I feel ashamed, I tell you. "Elle chante comme un pied" says the CFO, incisively and with great technical feeling. Her daddy's come to see her! So he can take her home to Brussels when she gets chucked out tonight.
Ana - 14,8 gah. I think that was the sympathy vote 'cos her dad's here. Kamel says she's "un petit bonbon adorable". He would sound SO seedy if he was straight. He's not, right? Reassure me.
Ouf, la courte plage de publicité. The CFO turns over to Thalassa. I think he'd rather be watching Thalassa, but I went to fetch the pizza. God. They're rapping. CFO mdr at the thought of how depressed the rappers must be to be featuring in Thalassa. Ultimate humiliation.
Ooh Solene time! Last week Solene had us in fits with her facial expressions. Her VAST DROOPING MOUTH. My god. Solene's facial expression in repose is the classic 'sad clown'.
Hee. She has "le tableau". I think that meets 'ridiculous choreography de la semaine'. Ooooh yes. large shouldered camouflage dancers. Solene is in a cage. Oh yes. the dancing is, comment dire, challenging. Now. WHY did they put her in a cage to 'Diamonds are a girls best friend' only to have her sing 'I'm so excited'? Why do I even ask? Kamel. She's a bit rubbish anyway. She says she's so excited but the sad clown mouth is telling a whole other story. Kamel is smiling in his ovine fashion. Twit.
Solene - 15,7. We iz gutted. Rubbish! Kamel is spouting nonsense. Raphael says she is a peanut. a peanut? No! A PIN UP. Aha.
Harold. Harold, lest we forget, is a mid thirties computer engineer, but he Has a Dream. Tonight, up for eviction, he is sporting a deep v neck and intense emotion. A large photo of him and his wife showcases his double chin nicely. Ooh! His wife is here! It's bring your emotional crutch nite.
Harold gets 16,7. He was good, even if he was singing Polnareff. She screaming is so high pitched I feel like I am being attacked my eighty million bats simultaneously. Ah, it's not for Harold, it's Jonas Brothers. These are the Disney Christian virgins, right?
Ooh. That hair! And that hair! My god. Clearly all their thwarted sexual energy goes into hairstyling; way to go boys. Hmm. A tambourine is hard to carry off even if you're a total mesmeric beast. This floppy haired eunuch is being upstaged by his. Fuck. I'm just saying that because it will make them cry. I can't decide which one is worst. OMG people are wepping. Raphael Amargo is mocking them openly. He is SO my new crush, in a sort of asexual way. Noone wears a vest quite as well as he does.
Part 2 tomorrow - I have small children! I can't stay up watching dismal singing and flashing lights all night you know... This is why I need a partner, people. Seriously. belgianwaffling@gmail.com . Please.
Quentin, ratlike dullard, gets 15. The profs are insane. Dismal. Armande Altai attempts to rhyme. Rap? Ouch. My brain is crying.
21:12 Nikos is still droning on, Fame-like, about hard, hard work. Work harder! L'effort, le travail, le desir. Blah blah blah.
Anissa next. I quite like Anissa. She's better than Jennyfer, super guru diva. Am I spelling that right? Jennyfer I mean. Fairly confident with diva. Anissa looks waaay foxier in her skinnies and platforms than Jennyfer in her acres of faux-Oscar dress tulle. Damn, I wish I looked like Anissa.
Oooh! First proper look at Raphael! Cool. Loving his Sgt Pepper jacket.
Anissa 15.3 Cruella Altai marked her down. Boo!
Oh, the ghastliness. Am I just to old for this (watching Quentin and Gautier feeling up the girls)? Yes. I am. Dried up hag. Fark. Oh no, and now they're singing. I feel like a disgusting old voyeur. Or am I just too English?
Hmm. Gautier; I am developing a serious Gautier hatred. That fringe is SO hiding the world's lowest hairline.
Raphael headbanging is sweet though.
I feel a bit sick. I shouldn't have eaten so much pizza.
Ok, now Garou - who, remember, brings me out in hives - is bluesing. Nikos too. It's like watching your dad dirty dance.
Gautier - 15.5 - Waaaaay too generous.
Ooh. Now this could be good - Leona Lewis and Joanna (who is really quite awesome). Oh. Leona isn't actually letting her sing her much. Her heart doesn't seem to be in it. I think Leona has outdiva-ed her. Which is sad. She's tiny next to Leona! Who is totally belting it out. Yay! Respite from the droning. Joanna's dress is way nicer than Leona's which seems to be from C&A. Leona is saying nice things about her though.
Joanna - 15.5 Same as Gautier? Boo.
Maryline up next - singing assis par terre fairly flat, with a person who appears to be Lisa Bonet. The CFO is wincing. Raphael is waving his hands flamenco styley. Kamel dancing. Oh sweet jesus. Ok, it's about a minute thirty in and I'm bored. Meh. Have I turned the oven off?
Maryline - 14.2 Raphael says something incomprehensible - 'rat box pyeramid phrmf gnn ark'. It's probably the most interesting thing tonight.
Ana - she's the Belgian candidate and I feel ashamed, I tell you. "Elle chante comme un pied" says the CFO, incisively and with great technical feeling. Her daddy's come to see her! So he can take her home to Brussels when she gets chucked out tonight.
Ana - 14,8 gah. I think that was the sympathy vote 'cos her dad's here. Kamel says she's "un petit bonbon adorable". He would sound SO seedy if he was straight. He's not, right? Reassure me.
Ouf, la courte plage de publicité. The CFO turns over to Thalassa. I think he'd rather be watching Thalassa, but I went to fetch the pizza. God. They're rapping. CFO mdr at the thought of how depressed the rappers must be to be featuring in Thalassa. Ultimate humiliation.
Ooh Solene time! Last week Solene had us in fits with her facial expressions. Her VAST DROOPING MOUTH. My god. Solene's facial expression in repose is the classic 'sad clown'.
Hee. She has "le tableau". I think that meets 'ridiculous choreography de la semaine'. Ooooh yes. large shouldered camouflage dancers. Solene is in a cage. Oh yes. the dancing is, comment dire, challenging. Now. WHY did they put her in a cage to 'Diamonds are a girls best friend' only to have her sing 'I'm so excited'? Why do I even ask? Kamel. She's a bit rubbish anyway. She says she's so excited but the sad clown mouth is telling a whole other story. Kamel is smiling in his ovine fashion. Twit.
Solene - 15,7. We iz gutted. Rubbish! Kamel is spouting nonsense. Raphael says she is a peanut. a peanut? No! A PIN UP. Aha.
Harold. Harold, lest we forget, is a mid thirties computer engineer, but he Has a Dream. Tonight, up for eviction, he is sporting a deep v neck and intense emotion. A large photo of him and his wife showcases his double chin nicely. Ooh! His wife is here! It's bring your emotional crutch nite.
Harold gets 16,7. He was good, even if he was singing Polnareff. She screaming is so high pitched I feel like I am being attacked my eighty million bats simultaneously. Ah, it's not for Harold, it's Jonas Brothers. These are the Disney Christian virgins, right?
Ooh. That hair! And that hair! My god. Clearly all their thwarted sexual energy goes into hairstyling; way to go boys. Hmm. A tambourine is hard to carry off even if you're a total mesmeric beast. This floppy haired eunuch is being upstaged by his. Fuck. I'm just saying that because it will make them cry. I can't decide which one is worst. OMG people are wepping. Raphael Amargo is mocking them openly. He is SO my new crush, in a sort of asexual way. Noone wears a vest quite as well as he does.
Part 2 tomorrow - I have small children! I can't stay up watching dismal singing and flashing lights all night you know... This is why I need a partner, people. Seriously. belgianwaffling@gmail.com . Please.
Monday, 6 October 2008
Star Ac catch up
What is going on with Star Ac this season, peeps? It's like the lunatics have taken over the asylum. The profs look panicky, the students are revolting, and even the normally unflappable Nikos seems to be out of his depth.
I Have Issues. Lots. See below:
Exhibit 1: WHERE is Mathieu Gonad? Bring him back! I have a bit of a crush on his sneery brand of musicality. Without him, my evening is frisson free and I am forced to concentrate on the many horrors perpetrated by our friend Special K.
Exhibit 2: Ok, you sacked the judges. Fair enough, but why then bring back Mama Cass to play the piano? Give me my Gonad back! He can play the piano too.
Exhibit 3: Yvane. Dear oh dear, Star Ac. You wanted to be all down with the kids and this is what happens. You get a total loose cannon messing with your format. Hee! Loved the looks of blank panic this week when faced with Yvane ad libbing rapathon, especially Kamel, whose usual dim amiability gave way to ovine panic. Quite quite priceless. Actually, I don't really have an issue with this. I approve. More Yvane nonsense, complete with piss poor rapping please!
Exhibit 4: Armande Altai - she's Arielle Dombasle's mother, isn't she? Also - look at her website! Yeesh. I'm not easily freaked out, but ooh. Nasty picture.
Arielle
Armande
Exhibit 5 - Lighten up Nikos! A new spirit of gloom seems to be inhabiting our usually buoyant Greek friend. "Il faut travailler dur" is his new catchphrase. Lots of paternalistic telling off. Lots of stern eyebrow-heavy looks. Yvane - you're grounded! Ana - I don't like that attitude young lady.
Exhibit 6 - That horrid pointy beard rumpelstiltskin creature Florent Pagny is haunting my nightmares. Please make it stop.
Goblin PagnyThings I do Not Have Issues with:
1. Raphael Amargo. Oh man, he is priceless. I just love him. WHO decided to employ a demented Flamenco dancer with a grasp of French that could not be described as better than glancing? Who cares! He is televisual gold. I LOVED him pulling his trousers down. I LOVED his outfit change and mysterious appearing/disappearing single glove. I LOVE his comment that someone was like "un box de sorpres", followed by Nikos "Merci Raphael, je sais que vous suivez des cours de français intensifs". Love love love love. More Raphael please.
Am I the only one watching? Apart from the semi-literate commentators on the Star Ac forum of course?
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