Live blogging star ac - unfortunately not drunk enough

21:00 Oh god, it's starting badly. Not only is Armande wearing terrifying Batman glasses, but all my least favourite Star Ac things are assembled in one gruesome tableau: Roch Voisine, dismal Quebecois twat Garou and hideous themed Special K choreography. It's painful. Truly painful. The gagged female dancers are frankly disturbing. I need more alcohol. Rubbing alcohol if necessary. Tonight's line up is frightening to say the least - heavy on the old chanson française. It would only take Michel Sardou and I'd have a Star Ac bingo full house.

Quentin, ratlike dullard, gets 15. The profs are insane. Dismal. Armande Altai attempts to rhyme. Rap? Ouch. My brain is crying.

21:12 Nikos is still droning on, Fame-like, about hard, hard work. Work harder! L'effort, le travail, le desir. Blah blah blah.

Anissa next. I quite like Anissa. She's better than Jennyfer, super guru diva. Am I spelling that right? Jennyfer I mean. Fairly confident with diva. Anissa looks waaay foxier in her skinnies and platforms than Jennyfer in her acres of faux-Oscar dress tulle. Damn, I wish I looked like Anissa.
Oooh! First proper look at Raphael! Cool. Loving his Sgt Pepper jacket.

Anissa 15.3 Cruella Altai marked her down. Boo!

Oh, the ghastliness. Am I just to old for this (watching Quentin and Gautier feeling up the girls)? Yes. I am. Dried up hag. Fark. Oh no, and now they're singing. I feel like a disgusting old voyeur. Or am I just too English?

Hmm. Gautier; I am developing a serious Gautier hatred. That fringe is SO hiding the world's lowest hairline.

Raphael headbanging is sweet though.

I feel a bit sick. I shouldn't have eaten so much pizza.

Ok, now Garou - who, remember, brings me out in hives - is bluesing. Nikos too. It's like watching your dad dirty dance.

Gautier - 15.5 - Waaaaay too generous.

Ooh. Now this could be good - Leona Lewis and Joanna (who is really quite awesome). Oh. Leona isn't actually letting her sing her much. Her heart doesn't seem to be in it. I think Leona has outdiva-ed her. Which is sad. She's tiny next to Leona! Who is totally belting it out. Yay! Respite from the droning. Joanna's dress is way nicer than Leona's which seems to be from C&A. Leona is saying nice things about her though.

Joanna - 15.5 Same as Gautier? Boo.

Maryline up next - singing assis par terre fairly flat, with a person who appears to be Lisa Bonet. The CFO is wincing. Raphael is waving his hands flamenco styley. Kamel dancing. Oh sweet jesus. Ok, it's about a minute thirty in and I'm bored. Meh. Have I turned the oven off?

Maryline - 14.2 Raphael says something incomprehensible - 'rat box pyeramid phrmf gnn ark'. It's probably the most interesting thing tonight.

Ana - she's the Belgian candidate and I feel ashamed, I tell you. "Elle chante comme un pied" says the CFO, incisively and with great technical feeling. Her daddy's come to see her! So he can take her home to Brussels when she gets chucked out tonight.

Ana - 14,8 gah. I think that was the sympathy vote 'cos her dad's here. Kamel says she's "un petit bonbon adorable". He would sound SO seedy if he was straight. He's not, right? Reassure me.


Ouf, la courte plage de publicité. The CFO turns over to Thalassa. I think he'd rather be watching Thalassa, but I went to fetch the pizza. God. They're rapping. CFO mdr at the thought of how depressed the rappers must be to be featuring in Thalassa. Ultimate humiliation.


Ooh Solene time! Last week Solene had us in fits with her facial expressions. Her VAST DROOPING MOUTH. My god. Solene's facial expression in repose is the classic 'sad clown'.
Hee. She has "le tableau". I think that meets 'ridiculous choreography de la semaine'. Ooooh yes. large shouldered camouflage dancers. Solene is in a cage. Oh yes. the dancing is, comment dire, challenging. Now. WHY did they put her in a cage to 'Diamonds are a girls best friend' only to have her sing 'I'm so excited'? Why do I even ask? Kamel. She's a bit rubbish anyway. She says she's so excited but the sad clown mouth is telling a whole other story. Kamel is smiling in his ovine fashion. Twit.

Solene - 15,7. We iz gutted. Rubbish! Kamel is spouting nonsense. Raphael says she is a peanut. a peanut? No! A PIN UP. Aha.

Harold. Harold, lest we forget, is a mid thirties computer engineer, but he Has a Dream. Tonight, up for eviction, he is sporting a deep v neck and intense emotion. A large photo of him and his wife showcases his double chin nicely. Ooh! His wife is here! It's bring your emotional crutch nite.

Harold gets 16,7. He was good, even if he was singing Polnareff. She screaming is so high pitched I feel like I am being attacked my eighty million bats simultaneously. Ah, it's not for Harold, it's Jonas Brothers. These are the Disney Christian virgins, right?

Ooh. That hair! And that hair! My god. Clearly all their thwarted sexual energy goes into hairstyling; way to go boys. Hmm. A tambourine is hard to carry off even if you're a total mesmeric beast. This floppy haired eunuch is being upstaged by his. Fuck. I'm just saying that because it will make them cry. I can't decide which one is worst. OMG people are wepping. Raphael Amargo is mocking them openly. He is SO my new crush, in a sort of asexual way. Noone wears a vest quite as well as he does.

Part 2 tomorrow - I have small children! I can't stay up watching dismal singing and flashing lights all night you know... This is why I need a partner, people. Seriously. belgianwaffling@gmail.com . Please.